Although I am a teetotaler, I have not always been. So I recognize some of the symptoms described below, and as a public service I offer the accompanying diagnoses.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right
[Hat tip to Sean Young]