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Tips for the pub

- December 15, 2008


Although I am a teetotaler, I have not always been. So I recognize some of the symptoms described below, and as a public service I offer the accompanying diagnoses.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right

[Hat tip to Sean Young]